The relationship crisis in the Black community has been under the spotlight in recent years, so much so that there have been a number of books, dialogs, forums, blogs, and you-name-it that have blossomed as a result. Lately, the recent focus of this crisis has been the alarming facts that encircle the relationship trends of the middle/upper class, single, college educated Black woman. I've been listening to the radio shows, reading the blogs, magazine articles, and a few books that highlight the shocking truth, that happens to directly affect...me. These facts include, but aren't limited to the following: about 70% of middle class, college educated Black women are single, twice as many Black women graduate from college than their male counterpart, and as a result of the large gap between single "successful" Black women and single "successful" Black men, we statistically marry later than any other group in America. Being that I'm a middle class single Black woman, I seemed to be leered into the whirlwind of "solutions" that so many people contributed their two cents to, because I wanted to figure out why/how I've worked so hard to not be labeled as a statistic, and still ended up becoming one.

I'm grateful that many affluent Black Americans have realized that there is an issue in the Black community(and the rest of the country isn't very far behind) when it comes to relationships. Just about everyone knows that the divorce rate in America is about 50%, but the bigger issue is that many young Americans aren't even getting to the point of marriage, especially young Black Americans. There are plenty of publications out that will explain the reasons for this, but I just want to vent about one of the things that have irked me lately concerning them. As one of my earlier articles explain, I am no fan of pointing fingers or casting blame on either male or females for the issues we have in our relationships. Just as the purpose of the relationship expresses, the blame is cast on both sides, and is a constant game of ping pong, as every action creates a reaction on both sides, both positive and/or negative. With that being said, I really am irked by the one sided artifacts that are being published these days. Naturally, I am a woman, and therefore I am more understanding of relationship issues from this side of things, and am guilty of initial biased reactions to the controversy when pointed to women. Of course, I will be more sensitive to topics that cast blame at women, but not to the extent that I will blame men in contrast. BUT, I am really really irked that so many males are writing books that give advice or suggest solutions to single, college-educated Black women concerning the reason why they're single.

For one, these Black men will NEVER know what it's like to walk an any of these woman's shoes, so to offer a solution like, change the way you think, act, communicate, without offering some kind of equally helpful change in their male counterpart, is, well....insulting. WHY should I have to think like a man, and act like a lady to be in a lasting relationship? Who's telling the men to think like a lady and act like a man? Why do I have to try so hard to understand him, if you're not asking him to try to understand me? Eve was taken from Adam's rib cage, not from his brain. I shouldn't have to think like him to understand him, or to make a relationship work with him, and he shouldn't have to think like me either, to understand me. And why do I have to lower my standards and expectations to be in a relationship with a “good man” (defined by your standards, not mine)? Maybe I want a college-educated man, am I wrong? I worked hard to get to where I am in life, why not want to appreciate and build a life with someone else who has done the same? And, not that this applies to me, but if a Black woman only desires to marry a Black man and have Black children, she shouldn't be scrutinized for having a preference. Of course it's wrong to be racist, but if that's what you prefer, because that's what you're attracted to, then I see nothing wrong with that. I understand that the consequence of not widening our selection pool could mean that we could potentially be alone and not have the family that we desired, but if our ultimate goal in life is to be happy, then settling for someone who doesn't make us happy will never bring us to that result, especially if we get married and have children, then eventually end up in a divorce. We would just be moving from one statistic of the middle class, college-educated, single Black female, to the divorced Black female with kids statistic, and if I had to choose, I'd rather have the former.

Some publications are asking if women know what they want. Are they assuming that men know what they want? The truth is that relationships are a learning experience for both sides, and is just as unique as the two people involved. So, not to knock all the advice that's given in many of these artifacts, but please refrain from putting one side (male or female) in a relationship boot camp, that will only prepare them for a relationship for a counterpart that isn't equally prepared or informed. As with all things, there needs to be a balance.